Archive for May, 2014

Lost My Shit Today… Here’s Why

May 21st, 2014

So even though no one likes to have a bad day we all do, that’s life right?  I kinda had a bad day but for the most part, it was #1stworldproblems type stuff (tough work day but in the end, give me a break, I love my job and am very fortunate to have the kind of job I have).  Still, I did not enjoy today and look forward to erasing that shit from my existence and making something really good out of it.

So why the hell am I so damn sad today?

Well, if you know Wyatt’s Story, you know that in a couple days, we start our somber period where we basically re-live the 30-days when Wyatt was hospitalized and then ultimately passed away (May 22-June 22).  Now I ain’t gonna mince words.  That period was the fucking worst nightmare any parent could ever live through and it changed me deep down to the core.  But hey, this is the 6th year anniversary and it should be a hell of a lot easier right?

Not exactly.

Pie Man and his Tools!

Unfortunately, for the first time since he passed away, this is the first anniversary where I don’t have any outlet.  No major videos to produce, celebrations in his honor, websites to launch or projects that will honor and cherish him.  Every year before, I had that thing that would take this terrible, terrible experience and turn it into a positive, something that would help others.

Don’t get me wrong, I will love, remember and cherish Wyatt in the next month in my own personal way and with my family and I will always express how deep that love goes any chance I get.  But the reality is that life is in the way.  We do have wonderful things in the mix including a brand-new diabetic pup, a couple of twins turning (OMG) FIVE, Parker just turned 9 and lots of great things going on both personally and professionally.  Plus, we have some great things for the WLF simmering until the time is right (maybe later this Winter, we’ll see).

Fast forward to six-years later and I’m finding a new, sad, but ultimately necessary level of grief that doesn’t include a major “Wyatt” project on the agenda to be ready by June 22.  And you know what?  I need to be ok with that.  It doesn’t mean I’ve “moved on”, or that “time heals all wounds” or even that I’m just in a better place (or not).  It just means that I will have to love and remember and grieve a difficult anniversary for my beautiful little Pie Man in a different way and that emotion has bubbled to the surface a bit early this year due to that uncertainty for how this goes.

Anyway, I know tomorrow will be a new day and I’m going to accomplish great things and be with great people that help shape the great outcomes I’ve been thankful to experience so far in life.  But in the meantime, this year, I’m going to just have to accept how much I miss Wyatt and be ok with channeling that into alternate energies as I continue to live and be happy just like we chose to do so even weeks after he passed.  I know he wants that happiness for us and I wouldn’t trade this next 30 days for anything if it meant I couldn’t have ever had him in my life.

The takeaway?  I’m cool with losing my shit today.  And in the next 30 days, I may lose my shit again once or twice.  But you know what?  I’m going to do some amazing shit too.  And Wyatt’s going to be there guiding me either way.