Would we rather have Wyatt or our Twins?

April 7th, 2014

This is one of the craziest questions that our family continually deals with.  What am I referring to?  I’ll recap…

Parker and Wyatt

Parker and Wyatt

In 2008 our family lost a little boy named Wyatt.  He was our 2nd child and was a beautiful addition to our family that we could never ever replace.  But as fate would have it (and trust me, we don’t believe much in fate around here), his light would burn out and our lives would never be the same.

Wyatt was our 2nd and final child.  In fact, I was discussing a vasectomy with my Doctor when Wyatt was about 6 months old.  For whatever reason, I ignored the call from my Doctors referral (I was in an HMO at the time) and never responded to the message on my voicemail.  I basically told myself that once Wyatt made the one-year mark, I would talk to them again.

Alas, it never happened.  Wyatt passed away at 9-months from an allergic reaction to Amoxicillin prescribed to him from his Pediatrician for an ear infection.  You know Wyatt’s Story and if not, click here to read about it before moving on.

But here’s the thing.  If you know our story, it didn’t end with Wyatt.  A year later we were pregnant with twins!  Our little guys Morgan and Warren were born in 2009, a little over  a year after Wyatt passed away and as you can imagine, our lives were never the same.  I did finally get that vasectomy and after having 4 boys, we’ve been completely fulfilled.  But damn the crazy questions remain about what would’ve happened and what could’ve been…

Now, it’s 2014 and our twins are almost 5.  We’re heading into a great year and damn, finally, our twins are the beautiful blessing in our lives that we always dreamed of.  At first, they were hell, don’t get me wrong.  Having twins is a jacked up situation that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.  Very difficult to raise and feed and sleep and live while twins are demanding your care and attention.  But ultimately, by the time they turned 3 to 4, that’s when the turn for the better occurred and I can honestly say our twins were just such a wonderful part of our lives.

And here we are.  On the verge of a 9-year-old Parker and 5-year-old twins, Morgan and Warren.  And Pie Man would be 7 this year.  And we love all of them so much that as I write this, I’m tearing up.

But where does Wyatt fit?  The truth is, if Wyatt hadn’t passed away, I wouldn’t be writing this.  He would be nearing seven this year and the twins wouldn’t even be a footnote in our lives, not even a figment of our imagination.  They never would’ve entered our lives because I would’ve had a vacectomy and it would be us and Parker and Wyatt.  That would be that and I’m sure our lives would’ve been awesome.

But that’s not how things went.  And now we have the spirit of Wyatt who will always be our 2nd child and we love him so much.  But could we imagine giving up our twins to still have him with us?  Wow, what a tough thing to ponder!  I can’t even remotely give you an answer.  There’s a part of me that thinks that maybe there’s some crazy universe where Wyatt didn’t pass away and we had an “oops” we’re pregnant afterward that led to twins and now it’s four-boys.  Parker, Wyatt, Morgan and Warren, totally consuming our lives!  And wow, how awesome would that be?  But the truth is, it’s so highly unlikely.  The twins came after we lost Wyatt and they came after a corner was turned with the passing of my little Pie Man.  The honest-to-God-truth is that we only had the twins because we lost Wyatt and decided to try one more time for another child.

The Leamon Family, Corey, Parker, Morgan, Warren

The Leamon Boys, Corey, Parker, Morgan, Warren

Here’s the thing.  I miss Pie Man so much.  I miss him with every little part of my being.  At the same time, I love my twins and the life we’ve created since.  We are such a better family having learned the lessons that Wyatt taught us.  Whether it involves the food we eat, the healthy lives we’re living, the new friends we’ve made… everything we do today is owed to a little 9-month-old baby who touched our lives and made us the people we are today.

I don’t have an answer.  Would we trade a life with Pie Man alive and well versus the life we lead today with our newfound lease on life and a set of twin boys we could never live without?  I just don’t know.  I just can’t fathom what that would be like even as I yearn to have that little boy with us today.

I guess, somehow, we try to live with all of the above.  Wyatt is gone physically, but he’s here spiritually and emotionally and he drives us through our lives with the family we have today and I guess that’s our answer.  We have what we need and continue to move forward, live our lives and love every minute of it with the cards we’ve been dealt.

As always, we appreciate that you’ve spent the journey with us and follow our story.

Love and thanks from the Leamon clan and we’ll keep checking in with these amazing questions and lessons that we have to offer as we live out this adventure we share with each other..

–Corey

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